moonlit musings

2025-08-20 AQAL Notes

All Quadrants
Levels/Stages + States
Lines + Types
An Integral Map

Individual Interior: Inner World

What are my core values and what truly matters to me?
What activities make me feel most alive and energized?
What fears or limiting beliefs are holding me back?
What does my intuition tell me when I quiet the mental noise?

Individual Exterior: Your Actions & Capabilities

What are my natural talents and developed skills?
What does my behavior reveal about my true preferences?
What were some of my favorite things as a child?
What concrete steps am I taking and what life is that leading to?

Collective Interior: Cultural & Social Context

What do my parents or religious leaders expect of me in terms of their idea of success?
How do my friends influence my career aspirations and life path?
How does the language I speak and digital culture I'm exposed to influence my opportunities?
What shared values am I drawn to? What do I find meaningful?

Collective Exterior: Systems and Structures

What are the current opps for jobs, careers, entrepreneurship in today's world?
How does the education system or internet shape my path?
What technological or social trends are creating new opportunities? (AI)
What systemic barriers or advantages do I face?

What do I want to store in my IKEA 4x1 hobby kallax korner?

sewing stuff
sketching/painting things
zettelkasten / notecards
binders
journaling (markers)

My person is out there in the world. Somewhere deep down, I really believe there is my person out there for me. And I guess it is romantic to think that they're out there somewhere, also looking for me. And one day we'll meet each other 😊. I did always think for whatever reason that my person was European and not American. Similar to the "Nanny" letter from Mary Poppins, here is my manifestation "spell" for who my person is. My person:

Is a kind and good person; warm
Takes care of themselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, and socially
Is emotionally intelligent and empathetic
Is in touch with their emotions and competent at expressing them in a healthy way
Is a great communicator
Is thoughtful and considerate
Has a can-do attitude where they can figure things out (good problem-solver)
Is very proactive; go-getter type
Is capable, competent, and independent
Is generous
Is a supportive partner
Has a curiosity and enthusiasm for life
Is a positive person with a positive energy
Values and prioritizes self-improvement and growth
Understands the importance of relationships
Is great at resolving conflicts, especially in relationships
Believes clarity is kindness
Is well-read and regularly reads. Values education and learning
Is in the same or higher socioeconomic class/bracket
Dispositionally more yang, and a provider-type
Is a feminist, and not just performatively
Is politically a progressive
Is or is working towards a secure attachment style
Has dry hands and dry hands energy (low in neuroticism; does not have anxiety disorder)
Is a great planner, and likes to plan things, especially for their partner
Is a romantic, and likes doing romantic things for their partner
Is not afraid to stand up for what's right; calls people out when necessary
Is not afraid to stand up for their partner, even if it's against their own friends/family's behavior
Does not want children or is okay never having them or adopting them. Understands that that decision should be up to me (if they're a cis-man)
Enjoys traveling and learning about and experiencing new cultures
Enjoys good food
Has something they are passionate about
Has hobbies/interests
Understands and appreciates the importance of community
Is thoughtful and likes introspection
Enjoys deep discussions
Prioritizes me
Is an extremely patient person
Explains and teaches things with calm, patience, and kindness
Plays video games and is better at them than I am (need a Player 1 so I can chill as Player 2
Knows how to relax
Shares my sense of humor
Has a nice deep voice
Smells good (to me)

2025-08-05 A SPELL TO RELEASE

I had a limerent crush on an imagine projection of a man. His energy strongly reminded me of my ex-fiance. I think that's why I spiraled so quickly and severely, to an embarrassing degree. But, I want to let go of the embarrassment too, because I shouldn't feel embarrassed. I'm allowed to have crushes on people. There's nothing inherently embarrassing about it. I mean, it's such a common human experience; if anything, I feel like I should relish in the fact that I'm alive and having a crush increases my awareness of being alive. But alas, it's gotten to the point that this crush is not serving me, and I would like to release this crush along with anything else that no longer serves me.

After all, I've been feeling for the past month (at least) that I need an "energy reset". Some sort of cleanse in my spirit and my space.

My therapist asked me to look deep into these feelings of this crush to identify and understand what it's telling me, in terms of the reason why I developed this crush and what needs are not being met that led me to this intense limerence. I've decided to list them:

smell: i wonder how my evening would be in an alternate reality where he purchased a different deodorant. i don't think i'd ever have developed this crush without this
energy: calming, reminded me of my ex
touch: dry hands energy, calming, stable, reminded me of my ex
attention: wanting to be remembered, seen/heard, attractive

How can I meet these needs for myself by myself?

smell: i can buy smells that i like, but honestly, i don't want to be triggered in this way by a smell, i just want peace 😖 so i will focus on clean/clearing smells like eucalyptus 😊
energy: meditating, learning to be my own stable/calming energy, journaling, continuing to build trust/stability with myself, buying myself a condo/home
touch: getting a massage, going to physical therapy, fostering a dog
attention: dancing, dressing how i want, learning to love and validate myself to the point that i don't seek it externally at all

I am allowed to feel disappointed and sad that the object of my limerence is not interested in me. I know for sure now that he's not interested in me. He's done all but say it out loud explicitly. I know for sure he isn't, because I know and remember what it felt like to be pursued/wanted by someone, and he doesn't make me feel that way. The right person for me will make it clear, not confusing. I was feeling very confused. I was trying to read between lines, between behaviors. It was a complete waste of my energy, because the reason why I was feeling confused was simply because he wasn't into me—not even a little, not even at all. He never was. He is not now. And he never will be. The sooner I accept that 100%, the sooner I will be free and feel lighter and return to my inner peace once more. How I miss that inner peace.

I release this fantasy I created. If anything, this crush is a testament to the power of my imagination and creativity of my mind.

I release this tension and stress I created for myself.

I release any hope I had about this person. Any and all of it.

I call my energy back to me. I am grounded. I am whole as I am.

I do not chase love. I attract effortlessly. The love that is right for me will find me when I am ready.

I don't chase confusion. I release what confuses me and destabilizes me. I chase myself: my dreams, my aspirations, my future self

I do not choose confusion. I choose clarity for myself.

I do not choose others or prioritize others. I choose and prioritize myself.

We are not replaying stories or scenes. I release them. He is not interested and that is his right. I release him. I return to myself. I return this energy to myself.

It is my right to protect my peace from others who are interested in me for whom I do not reciprocate. I remember how uncomfortable it made me when XX made me feel when he attempted to flirt with me or "get to know me" (barf). I don't want anyone to feel that way around me.

After my breakup with my ex, I made a promise with myself, that I will only like someone if they like me first. I will not chase. I will wait. The right person will come to me at the right time.

I know in my gut that now is not the right time even. I know in my gut that this is not the right person for me.

If there is doubt, then I know it's not right for me. When there's doubt, release the feelings out.

The crush was fun while it lasted. I honestly think part of me leaned into the crush, because of the dopamine hits I'd get from talking about it to my friends. I am choosing L3 dopamine sources now. I am in control of my dopamine sources. I am in control of my emotions. I am in control of my feelings, romantic or limerent or otherwise. I am control of me. I am in control of my life and its direction. Having a crush on this person is not the path I want to take. It's not the path that's meant for me. It's not where I'm meant to be. It didn't feel right, and that's why it bothered me. Working on my purpose-related work and projects feels right.

I look for the resonance. I follow the right resonance. I am recalibrating to the right resonance, like humming to the right note in a song.

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